The Pile of Suck

 

My blog is usually positive. Except for tonight. Let's just take a moment to acknowledge that sometimes life really sucks. It happens to everyone. Life is going along in its lovely way and then bam, something really crappy happens. When I talk to my friends about it I call it the "pile of suck".

     Often we have no control over these rotten times in our lives. We can try to think of the positives, but sometimes there just aren't many. I think of the people I have known who have been ill and I can't go to those people and say look at the positives as they lose their ability to live a healthy life. Life can be a struggle so let's just look at that head on. Life can hurt. Life can be painful. 

     Hey, it doesn't have to be something as big as a major illness, even smaller things in life can be a pile of suck. It's the things that steal your normal life and demand your attention and energy. That makes me think of things like a natural disaster or a robbery. They completely disrupt life for a while. Sometimes it's many little things that build into a pile of suck. For example, financial stress from bills piling up. Then there's stuff like a break-up. Even if that's a good thing, it surely is disruptive.    

     What can we do when handed the pile of suck? I agree with this article in Forbes. The three takeaways from Forbes are:

Learn from it

Reinvent your future

Don't lose your sense of humor

https://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemaddock/2013/11/26/three-ways-great-leaders-handle-great-adversity/#7d0a5f196429 

      I am proud to say that I have done a lot of  "learning" during my life. Just look at my other blog posts to see all the learning I have done. Now I am wise enough to write this fancy blog. 😏 The sad truth is that wisdom comes from the pile of suck and those people that I encounter who have not experienced many difficulties have also not gained wisdom. I recently met someone who almost died in Africa from an illness AND almost died in a plane crash! She had an interesting perspective on life from those experiences. Her mantra is "no matter what is happening, it is going to be ok." It's good to take a step back from the situation and figure out what you should learn from it. 

     Most recently, I have learned from my divorce. I'd love to say that I learned that I picked a bad guy, but that really isn't the entire truth. I learned that I am a harsh critic, especially when I love someone because then I expect so much more from that person. I learned that I need to communicate more effectively. I learned that I need to invest quality time in a relationship. I learned many things. It was too late for us and too many terrible things were said and done, but now I can take this wisdom into any future relationships.     

 

     I have a friend who is disabled. She is a great example of someone who is re-inventing her life. She could sink into the reality of becoming disabled in mid-life, but she's not. She tries to do as much as she can. She thinks of ways to fulfill her life within the parameters of being disabled. She doesn't give up and she tried to do what she can for others. 

     I am currently re-inventing my future as well. I am doing things that I have always wanted to do, but I never did. It's about time! I told myself that since I invested in one area of interest that I couldn't do anything else. That's not true. Keep an open mind about the future. You may think things have to be a certain way and have it all planned out. You may see a new direction because of the circumstances in your life. It's not just ok to follow that, it's great. I took the box filled with life, shook it up, and dropped the pieces on the floor. Frankly, I have never been happier. Yahtzee!

     The last bit of advice is my favorite. I always approach life with humor. No matter how dark life gets, there is always something funny in it. Oh, it may be dark humor, but it's humor. I laugh at myself a lot more than I laugh at others. Sometimes I laugh because it beats crying. My ex was actually quite funny. He wasn't funny when he was trying to be funny. He was hilarious when life was a pile of suck. At first, my ex was so angry and hurt about the divorce, but as he thought about it he realized that I was right about that decision. Now we are able to share some of that humor again. I think it has helped both of us get through this. 

     Are you dealing with a pile of suck right now? Climb the pile of suck. Breathe. Laugh. Start thinking of what you can do. Take it on in little steps. Learn from it. Realize that it is a moment in time and it will eventually end. Let the people around you give you some support. Don't worry about taking that support, they will need it returned to them at some point. Don't let it break you. Try to find joy where you can while dealing with it.              

The Price

 

     Every decision you make in life will carry a price. Maybe it's a small price or maybe it is a price that you will pay until the end of your life.

     Religious people have a pretty good handle on consequences for actions. That isn't always a good thing because that can control people with fear. 😕

      The idea is similar. You make a choice and you pay the price. In religion, the price is often considered a punishment for sin. This is where I differ on the concept. I don't think of it as a punishment. I call it the price, but it's more like the lesson. As a lesson, it has value for you rather than just being something you pay.

     Since you get a lesson from the price, it removes the fear. You don't have to be afraid to make the wrong decision. The price may be unpleasant, but you are not being punished for your choices. You are LIVING.

     If you make bad decisions that lead to painful consequences, why agonize over what has already been done? If you refuse to learn from it, you are paying the price more than once. Everyone has failed at something due to poor judgement. 

     The ones who can accept it, learn from it, and move on are the ones who will succeed next time. The ones who dwell upon their mistakes and the price paid for those mistakes are more likely to experience depression and are also more likely to be unaware of changes that need to be made in their lives. This could lead to repeating the same mistakes over and over again. The "why does this always happen to me" mentality. It is happening because you refuse to accept the price and move on.   

     When you wish to achieve great things that will make the world a better place, that will have a price as well. That price is dedication and opportunity cost. While you build, you will need to give other things up. Balance is ideal, but to get stuff done the reality is sometimes you will be out of balance.

     Once you know the price, you have to be willing to pay it. So many times we agree to pay the possible consequences because we assume that we can avoid payment. At some point, we all pay. Take a deep breath and ante up.

   https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/309621 

Happiness

 

What the Hell is happiness Anyway? 

a: a state of well-being and contentment 

b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience 

     Do you agree with the Dalai Lama? Is happiness so important that it is our very purpose in life? If so, how do we get there and how much happiness is it reasonable to expect?

     If you asked me this a few years ago I might have said that it's NOT reasonable to expect to be happy most of the time. How much happiness is enough? 5 days a week? 2 days? A few perfect moments in life? What if we measure it based on areas of life? Hey, my professional life is awesome but I am miserable at home. Is that enough happiness? I do not think there is a chart showing what we can expect on the happiness scale. Oh wait....this just in, of COURSE, there are charts!

So, if you are in the U.S. like me, you may be happy but apparently, everyone around you is not feeling it.   

Now, see if you make it past the 25-year mark all is well, but before that, you will be in a steep decline. Have fun with that and congrats on your engagement. Okay, maybe I won't start a greeting card line featuring depressing charts, but I really want to...  

 Oh, this one is awesome, so 50% of our happiness is genetic? Really? That's going to mean some diligent focus on the 40%. More on that later.....

    Are you happy? If I were to ask 10 people that question, I would imagine that most people would say yes. I think it's an automatic response because really, how would someone be expected to respond if the answer is no? Now we all saw the chart up there for North America, so if everyone says yes, someone is lying. If I am in Latin America and that happens, I might buy it. I am prepared for the day someone tells me that he/she is not happy. I will actually acknowledge that person's current state and not tell that person that he/she MUST be happy.    

     Complicating the question of quantification of happiness, there is a societal expectation that you will be happy. Time magazine reports that the antidepressant industry is approaching $17 billion. Some of my closest friends struggle with depression, so I am not saying that this is unnecessary. Think about it though, it's a growing industry which means more and more people need these medications. Why exactly is there a growing drug industry selling all imaginable pills to create that contentment that we obviously must feel at all times?  

     Despite the possibly not accurate charts, I am a firm believer in being responsible for your own happiness. There's 40%. Do you make your current circumstances happier or do you improve your life to be happier? I have some bad news. Unlike the Sheryl Crow song Soak up the Sun (hate hate hate this song) that touts being satisfied with your current circumstances, I think you need to constantly improve your life to be happier. You can come after me with fire and pitchforks, but sitting on your butt not adding anything new to your life is not going to equate to happiness.

     There are many different ideas about happiness. Plato stated that caring about the happiness of others is how we find happiness. Socrates on the other hand, says happiness comes from living a life that's right for your soul, your deepest good. I think it's a little complicated because it's different for everybody and I think some people are happy about not being happy. Those people are so much fun to have at parties, not. 

     I also think many people have no idea what makes them happy. Lifetimes can be spent trying to find what creates joy in you. It can also change as you move through life. For some people, happiness is serving others and for other people, happiness may be climbing the corporate ladder. It may also come from having meaningful relationships, but caution here, nobody can make you happy. Yep, that's your job. No outsourcing allowed.

     Whose happiness is most important? Is it selfish to reach for happiness at the expense of others? I think many people do sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of others. I said that nobody can make you happy, but can someone destroy your happiness? Well, no, you are totally in control here. However, if you are with someone who tries to actively destroy your happiness, then perhaps you should rethink that relationship. Oh, but then you are destroying that person's happiness because that person is so darn happy trying to make you unhappy. No, no remember, they can't control your happiness and if you dissolve the relationship that person is also in control of how they react. They simply cannot say "you ruined my life". Well, they can, but it's simply not true.   

     I now do have high expectations for happiness. I also allow all the experiences that occur along the way, even when they are not things that make me happy. You see if you are having anger or fear or other experiences it's okay, but if you totally give up on happiness then you are settling for a life that is so much less than it could be.   

Wish You Were Here

 

Wish You were Here

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have we found

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

Songwriters

WATERS, ROGER/GILMOUR, DAVID JON

Published by

Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

     Do we ever really understand life? There are moments in life where everything changes and everything that we thought was true, isn't. We spend most of our lives trying to figure out what matters most in this world and what we are supposed to learn from our experiences.

We don't always do a great job of that. How often do we find ourselves in the same situations that we were supposed to learn from? The bad job becomes several bad jobs. The bad relationship becomes several bad relationships. One addiction is replaced by another.

I chose the version of the video from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because that movie asks the question, if we could avoid the pain that comes from loss, would we erase those memories? As tempting as it may be, those experiences do make us who we are. Most of us become stronger and better because of those difficult times.

     As bleak as that may sound, the joy of the song is the fact that we are two lost souls in the fish bowl. You are not alone. You have a soul partner. Whether that is a friend, family member, or lover, the joy is that any challenges can be faced with support. Even if we never figure it all out, or if we realize that everything is not as it seems, sharing those experiences with others makes life better than it is when we are isolated. Be grateful for the other fish in your bowl!

Forever Young

 

      I am meeting a friend in Vegas. I am ever thankful for the people in my life. I usually keep my friends for a long time. Friendship is something that I treasure. Geography and differences in lifestyle don't matter. If you have made the cut and are in my life, I will work to maintain that friendship. People are not interchangeable. If you are in my life, you are rare and special.

     This will sound suspiciously like an episode of the Goldbergs, but I met Mel back in 1980 something. She had transferred to Arizona from Michigan in her junior year of high school. We were fast friends. We loved both science and theater arts. We loved all the "great" music of that time. We would go dancing, trying to look cool in our black clothes. We have seen each other's unfortunate 80s styles. Fortunately, we did not get stuck there and are both quite modern and tech savvy.

     We talked for hours about our first boyfriends . We shared our dreams for how our lives would turn out. She came to visit me all the way in Boston when I went to college there.

     After college, we lost touch. The creation of Facebook made it easier to reach out to people. I had come across some of her technical publications and I reached out to say hello and to see how her life had turned out. It had been over 20 years since we last spoke. 

     She was doing some work at Biosphere. I went to meet her at a small restaurant in Oracle, Arizona  It was as if we had never been apart. We both discovered that we enjoyed costuming and reenactment. It was so great to reconnect. 

     In Vegas, we are laughing talking about boys and I am a girl again. Our laughs have more wisdom behind them. The smiles producing wrinkles around our mouths and eyes. We have achieved many great things and so many more are to come. 

     Friends like this can transport you to another place and time. No matter where we are in life, our time together can help us feel forever young. 

Nice is Different than Good

 

     A friend of mine described me as "seeing the good in everyone". It is amazing to see so much good in the world. It can also be unhealthy not recognizing harmful aspects in relationships. It is a balance. You want to keep seeing the good, but have the wisdom to see the flaws that we all possess. I have recently become aware of a need for that balance and incorporating that into my life has made me happier and healthier. Setting boundaries and expressing my needs has not made me lose my love and compassion for others. 

     I want to live my life to bring joy into the human experience each and every day. Sometimes that is loving others and sometimes that is loving myself. I may know the people I help, or they could be strangers. These are typically small gestures. I would love to do more good on a broader scale, but that will never stop me from bringing micro joy into the world. 

     The article in the link is interesting. The article states that being "nice" is a way that many people try to receive validation from others. It can be manipulative and actually alienate people. I recently had a discussion with someone about this. He definitely agreed with the article. I say that if your daily actions do not improve the lives of others, who the Hell cares how much you love yourself? You are not making the world a better place. We don't live in a vacuum. 

     Here's the key, do things without expectations. If you can be anonymous, even better. Do not try to please others while not expressing your needs. Love others, but with BOUNDARIES. I never want to stop bringing smiles to the people around me, but with rules. The first rule is to love yourself! Positive or negative interactions with others will not change your relationship with self. 

     Some people recognize my desire to bring happiness to the people around me and they start draining me. The worst part is, in the past I let them. I know things now. I know how to walk away when takers refuse to give. My experiences with others have hardened me, but just the right amount. I may see the good in others, but it's like wearing sunglasses. I can take them off and take a look around and get a better view. "Truth is the treasure of all men." Emerson Losing innocence can be sad, but it is inevitable. It allows me to act in the most loving way to myself and in the end, I will have better relationships for it. 

     Isn't it nice to know a lot, and a little bit...NOT?

 https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/being-too-nice_b_9592698.html 

Steamy Stories and Sensibility

 

Underwater - Delerium

Something fearless in your eyes

Something careless about your smile

Something fragile when you hold your breath

And when you  move, you move right through me

through me

Fingertips so gently on my skin

I'm underwater I feel the flood begin

Fingertips so gently on my skin

You're taking over and over again

Shed your armor, spin your web

Hypnotize me with the longest stare

Make your promise, maybe it's a threat

because when you look, you look right through me

over again, under my skin, over again

Fingertips so gently on my skin

I'm underwater I feel the flood begin

Fingertips so gently on my skin

You're taking over and over again

We're flesh and bone together and alone

And we're looking for a home

Silver moonlight invades the sky

calling gently to the evening tide

You're unfolding right before my eyes

and when you move, you move right through me

under my skin, over again

Fingertips so gently on my skin

I'm underwater I feel the flood begin

I'm underwater....I'm underwater

Songwriters: Bill Leeb / Rani Kamahl

Underwater lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Nettwerk Music Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

    I have a new writing project. It's kind of awesome because the winner will be recorded for Audible. I was flipping through a reputable magazine (OK, it was Cosmo) and there it was, a writing contest due September 3 with a grand prize of $10,000. It's a long shot, but hey, I am a fan of taking chances. The worst case scenario is that I will gain more experience with my craft. The rules are that it is between 20,000 and 30,000 words (60 pages). It must be set in a contemporary setting, There must be a badass female heroine. OH...DID I MENTION IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A STEAMY LOVE STORY?

    Now, the universe has a great sense of humor, in case you were not aware of that. A few weeks ago I was having coffee with some teammates and one of them asked me if he could read an excerpt from my book. I told him to stop asking me to read my book or I'd make him read the romance scenes, haha (God knows I would avoid at all costs having anyone at work read those scenes!) Then he asked me why *I* don't write romance. I do read it, but it's not typically my thing. I proceeded to tell my colleagues how much I dislike writing those kinds of scenes. Enter the contest that goes way beyond romance and into the realm of......steamy.

     I have taken several workshops on writing steamy scenes. It can be pretty funny as we all sit in a room snickering and coming up with euphemisms for all that goes on between partners. Yes, apparently we are all twelve years old. There are rules of conduct that classify the stories as romance, or steamy, or erotica. Those lines have blurred as urban supernatural has grown in popularity. Things are definitely more open now. I know a lot of people who enjoy YA specifically because it does not have strong adult content. I don't mind adult content, but so often it is so poorly written that I find it to be a distraction in the story. My biggest complaint, especially with male authors, is that those scenes can seem like a play by play at a sporting event. Female authors are not off the hook either. They tend to get carried away with euphemisms that become silly rather than steamy.

     I am a big fan of Jane Austen and her playful banter between men and women. I think this is where so many writers go wrong when writing romance. The connection of mind kick-starts the connection of body. To this day so many women fantasize about Mr. Darcy. Why? It's not his abs, it's his dialogue with Elizabeth. We see them connect and we want to feel that with somebody. We want someone to challenge us and turn on the mental sparks. A body is like art. We can look at it and see beauty, but when we recognize depth, we truly appreciate it. The best artwork and the best romances always thrill us in the heart and mind as well as in the body.

     Music can be a great way to describe intimacy. Some songs are cute, some songs are bold, and some songs are subtle. My song selection is in the last category. In my song selection, the steamy experience begins with the shedding of armor (inhibition) and the spinning of your web (the connection of mind). The songs reference the experience of letting go with your partner and going "underwater". Musically, the many layers of Underwater remind me of the multi-layers of an intimate encounter. It begins with an angelic call that pulls you from the earthly realm and reminds you of the sacred union between you and your lover. It builds into a layered electronic wave. Later, sounds of breath escape as she experiences her partner. Is there anything steamier than the sound of your lover's breath and pleasure? Those layers in the song make a steamy scene actually steamy and less mechanical. This is how I am going to approach my steamy story, layered and complex.

     I blush as I write this post let alone the novella! This is a far step from science fiction and fantasy. I am hoping to blush all the way to the bank.