Failure

 

I have been thinking about failure. I love this song because it reminds us that trying is half the battle. The other half is trying again.

I do love asking people about the worst mistake they have ever made and how they resolved it. Gee, I have made so many that it's difficult to pick just one. :-) Actually, that's not true, because it all depends on how you view failure. Bram Stoker is on to something here. Failure is an opportunity to learn. If it's painful, then it's a really valuable lesson.

Success or failure most often comes from risk and without risk, there is no growth. Many people are risk-averse and will not try things because they may fail. Sorry ladies, but women can be especially poor risk-takers. Old people, you are also missing out because you are not willing to risk as much. Don't live with the regrets of risks not taken. If you miss opportunities there will always be more, but not the same ones.

Sure I have made mistakes at work and I have been in some pretty terrible personal relationships. Those are not my biggest mistakes. The biggest mistakes I have made are the risks not taken. The goals that I never pursued. The times that I gave up. The times that I relentlessly pursued something, I have always been successful. That success came from tenacity as much as from skill.

J.K. Rowling submitted her first Harry Potter book 12 times before it was published. One author I saw in a panel described her experience with getting her book published. She submitted it 32 times before it was published. I was joking with some people at work that it would be like going on 32 dates and not getting a second date!

I have come to realize that when you really want to publish that book then you will submit your work as many times as needed until you succeed. You may make edits along the way, but the goal is achievable. If you want to meet the person of your dreams, then you go on those 32 dates and you don't settle. If you want to master anything then you fail a lot, until you don't.

When you allow yourself to fully experience failure, when you do succeed it can be much more meaningful.

Ancient Style

 

     Stile Antico translates into ancient style. On Friday I saw Stile Antico at St. John's Cathedral in Denver. They are a British early music ensemble. The performance was so beautiful and so powerful. It's the type of music that reaches deep within you. The greeter at the door said "Just one ticket? Are you expecting anyone else?" I smiled and told her that I was alone. This was to be a solitary and peaceful moment.

     One of the most amazing things about music is its ability to transport us to other times and places. You hear a song that reminds you of your childhood and you say "turn it up, I like this song." You might shed a tear when a song comes on that reminds you of a rough time in your life. I wanted to be transported to an ancient time and place. I was not disappointed.

     I like early music performed in a cathedral because the voices echo and surround you. I enjoy all music, but there is a beautiful simplicity in the human voice. This music would sound the same now as it would have hundreds of years ago. So many things do not last, so there is a kind of magic in these ancient songs that survived.

Go Vegetarian

 

I have had so many discussions about being a vegetarian. If I am looking for an argument, I can always get one with this topic. There are things that I always hear. 

     1) I don't eat much meat

     2) God put animals on this planet to be eaten (Dominion)

     3) Plants have feelings too, and you kill those 

     4) How do you get enough protein?

     5) What do you eat?

     I am not going to address those. OK, I will provide a protein chart. I am getting plenty of protein, thanks  for your concern. I am going to tell you my perspective and send you to a lot of links with compelling reasons. I am not your food police. I am not going to judge you, ok, maybe a little. I am going to post this because this topic is really important to me.

     I became a vegetarian when I was 18 years old. My initial reason was not noble. I was attending Boston University and the food in the dorm was terrible. One time, someone at my table found a feather still in her chicken! There was an all vegetarian option at one the dorms. I started eating there because the food was so much better. I started talking to people who had much better reasons than I did to go vegetarian. I did a lot of research. I realized that my life would be forever changed. 

     Later, I remembered when I found out what meat was. I was seven, a very mature seven. I remember asking why we would eat animals and my parents said "Honey that's just what people do. It's the food chain." I also remember crying when I thought about what was on my plate. I loved animals then and I love them now. If I were to use one word to describe how I want to be, it would be compassionate. If that is what I wish to be, then that is how I must live. Every day. If  I ever lose my compassion, then I have truly lost myself.   

     Many vegetarians did not like meat in the first place. I did. I do. It has been a long time and it still tempts me. I will go to a festival and the smell of the meat is incredible. It is also inconvenient. Every time I travel I wonder if I will find something decent to eat. I am saying this because I do understand that this is a really tough choice. It's even tougher for vegans, and frankly I could not stick with that. My line is to avoid eating anything that once breathed. Everyone has a different line.

     There are numerous reasons to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. It really comes down to three main reasons. Health, environment, and/or compassion for animals. I will touch on each of these. I am mostly in it for the respect and love of life.

     I can't really preach about health. I was probably one of the few obese vegetarians. That being said, going vegetarian can reduce your risk of cancer by 40%. It can also help with heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes. There are many articles about this and some that say a vegetarian diet is not healthy. Research, you decide. You can avoid the carcinogens and antibiotics in meat when you eat a more vegetable based diet.

     Care about the environment? Care about world hunger? Consider a more vegetable based diet. The UN Panel on climate change urges people to reduce meat intake to impact climate change. Livestock farming creates more greenhouse gases than all transportation. There is also tremendous water waste associated with meat production. Consider all that water (2500 gallons per pound of beef) to raise your meat while 780 million people cannot get access to clean water. Consider that you can feed 16 to 20 vegetarians with the same resources that it takes to feed one meat eater. Peace and activism begins on your plate. Think before you eat.

     My reason most of all is because I believe that animals feel pain and have a consciousness. I do not want to cause another living being pain. I would if I had to survive, but I will try my best not to. We don't know if they have souls, or really if we do. I think we all do. I think we are all connected. I can't create those animal lives so how could I justify taking them? If we end up growing meat without killing, that may change things for me.

     Vegetarians are in good company. Einstein, Socrates, Edison (and Tesla), Ralph Waldo Emerson, and DaVinci were all vegetarians.

     Maybe I can convince you to have a meatless meal once a week? If you can do that for me, that would be greatly appreciated. If everyone in the U.S. did that for a year it would save 100 billion gallons of water, yes billion. It would also reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 1.2 million tons of carbon dioxide. Most important to me, it would reduce the number of slaughtered animals by 1.4 billion. Oh, this is a good time to link you to some vegetarian recipes.

Thank you for reading.

Recipes

https://www.foodandwine.com/special-diets/vegetarian/30-days-vegetarian-recipes 

30 Reasons to go Vegetarian

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-stevens/thirty-days-thirty-reason_b_1923921.html

Consciousness

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/christof-koch/consciousness-is-everywhere_b_1784047.html

Water

https://www.cdc.gov/healthywater/global/wash_statistics.html

Thriftshop

 

     I buy nearly all of my clothing at thrift shops. I also try to encourage my friends and family to do the same. I have found amazing designer label items. I even found an authentic Chanel purse! Often the garments still have tags on the pieces. It's kind of fun seeing what I can find. I admit I have seen some truly odd things in my searches, but that is part of the fun. Why do I do this? It's due both to the exploitative and environmental impact of the garment industry. Additionally, when people recycle their clothing it does not end up in landfills.

     The dyes used to color our clothing are creating pollution in water supplies. Larger cities impose regulations and the dyeing moves into small villages where the drinking water of the village is then contaminated by the dye. The water is dumped on the ground and contains salts and sulfides. My friend, Dr. Melissa Lenczewski from Northern Illinois University, has spent years studying water quality all over the world. She has directly witnessed the impact of the clothing industry on the people who live in small villages who make their living dyeing fabric.

     Each year 2 billion t-shirts are sold worldwide. Did you know that it takes 713 gallons of water to make one t-shirt? When you buy a t-shirt from the thrift store you are leveraging the same water that was used to produce that t-shirt rather than contributing to the problem. When you throw away your old t-shirts, you are essentially throwing away 713 gallons of water. See my link below on crafts using old t-shirts. Other garments use even more water.

     The other issue I have with the garment industry is with labor practice and sweatshops. There have been numerous stories about sweatshops. The collapse of the sweatshop in Bangladesh in 2013 was partially attributed to poor building construction, which comes down to cost. Why would they cut corners? I am guessing to keep garment costs low for their clients. There were 142 workers killed and thousands of workers injured in that incident. I have seen a lot about fast fashion. Those are retailers that sell heavily discounted clothing that is not made to last. When these retailers seek out factories they are looking at cost alone. Don't kid yourself, brands such as North Face, GAP, Ralph Lauren, and DKNY have also been in the news for sweatshop practice. Buying what is considered a "higher" quality garment does not guarantee that the garments are not made in sweatshops.   

     It is estimated that 168 million children between the ages of 5 and 15 work long hours in sweatshops. In garment factories, children perform tasks such as dyeing, sewing, cutting, packing and detailing garments. While your kid may be playing on his Xbox, many other kids in Asia and Africa are working harder than most of us will ever have to. I'd like to see us spend 16 hours doing one of those jobs and see how we feel. I don't even stay at my desk job 16 hours a day. It is a complex issue, but when you purchase your clothing from local vendors or even better, from a thrift store, you are not participating in a system that takes advantage of little kids.

     I have added a link featuring thrift stores in Denver. Check it out and remove yourself from the cycle. I don't buy everything at the thrift store, but I do buy quite a bit there. Have fun and let me know if you find anything interesting there.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sewstacie/39-ways-to-reuse-restyle-and-rewear-your-old-t-s-9gri?utm_term=.fqBpnMkblY#.egKJx68BQm

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mattias-wallander/t-shirt-environment_b_1643892.html 

https://www.theguardian.com/sustainable-business/dyeing-textile-sector-water-risks-adidas

https://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/25/world/asia/bangladesh-building-collapse.html

https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-sweatshops

https://labs.theguardian.com/unicef-child-labour/

https://www.yelp.com/search?cflt=thrift_stores&find_loc=Denver%2C+CO 

Creator vs Consumer

 

     How much time in your life is spent creating something beautiful or meaningful in the world? Now, how much time do you spend consuming things others have created? There is nothing wrong with enjoying all that this world has to offer us. I'm sure that I will cover that in another post! This post is about making the world a little more special by sharing your talent.

      Recently, I have made some big changes in my life. One reason for the change (among many) was that I was spending too much time consuming all the wonderful things others have created. I especially like food, art, music, books, and movies. What I have not been doing is lighting that creative fire and unleashing my own talents. I realized that there were things that I wanted and needed to do. I want to be a creator and not just a consumer. Nobody else can do what you do, so you really ought to do it!

     According to the chart below, only one in four people think they are living up to their creative potential. I suspect that some of this is due to too many things competing for time. There are just too many options out there.

     I am not in a creative field and I don't think you need to be in order to create wonderful things. I really like my job. I have been programming since I was around 10 years old. I begged my parents for a computer. They sacrificed and bought it for me. I was introduced to Basic and discovered the second love of my life. Even earlier than that was writing, my first love. No matter how much I like programming, writing is the place where I create personal and meaningful content. I don't think my code is going to be what I leave behind. It's useful and meaningful, but it's not personal.

     I want to write stories that bring people joy and make people think. When I write I can share messages with others that are personal to me. I have read so many things over the years that have inspired me. This has ranged from academic articles to non-fiction books to wonderful fiction stories. What mattered was the message created in the content. Every time I write I ask myself if what I am creating can inspire others and if it can't, I am deleting the page and rewriting it so that I can offer better to myself and others. I am not as picky with this blog. I don't do rewrites on it because I want it to flow naturally like a conversation. I have had people tell me that they have been touched by my blog, so I am fine with the content that I am creating as it is.

     One note about embracing your creative energy is that it does not have to be perfect! There is also value in pursuing creative endeavors just for the sheer joy of it. A close friend of mine just started drawing and she told me it didn't turn out great, but she loved it. She inspired me to get a set of oil pastels and I may do a little drawing myself, but only for pleasure. I have found that pursuing one creative area can feed others. It gets the energy flowing and opens that part of the mind. I am building and reinforcing those neural networks in the brain that feed creativity. This can also help with finding creative solutions to analytical problems. The brain works better when it's whole. 

     I encourage everyone to spend a little more time in creation mode and less time in consumer mode. It doesn't matter if you are not a creative person, everyone has the talent to pursue. The benefits to the mind and to others are well worth the time invested in contributing.   

It's the Holidays, You Can't be Depressed

 

Originally published December 25, 2018

     It is common knowledge that the holiday season can bring out as much sadness as it does joy. There is increased stress and pressure to be happy. I think of a colleague who we lost this year and how his family must be feeling. I think of all of those people who suffer with depression during the holidays. I think of all of the illness and loss people are dealing with and just because the calendar says December 25th, does not mean that those things go away.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2017/12/13/why-does-depression-tend-to-increase-during-the-holidays/#56c2288c4a6d 

     It caught me by surprise how alone and dark I would feel this holiday. I wasn't prepared for that. The lights did not go on the house. The tree did not go up. The stockings were not hung by the chimney with care, they were ignored. I avoided the holiday bins altogether. There are 22 years of memories in those boxes and I didn't want to open them. It would have been a reminder of how much of my life has been wasted.  A reminder that rare gift of love and connection has been broken. A reminder that nothing is how I thought it would be. Everyone can offer a positive spin on it, but the reality is that by making changes, I will pay for that by sitting in the darkness feeling broken and alone a bit.  

     It's that time of the year where everyone is spending time with their families and loved ones, which is wonderful, but the joy that I normally have from having them around is absent. Someone I did talk to in order to cheer up a bit suggested that I go talk to someone else. If I didn't feel bad enough, that surely made me feel worse. I won't be talking to that person or anyone else for a long time. I will deal with everything on my own. I have done it for years and I can do it now. Trying to open up usually seems to make me feel worse. I guess that is the Introvert life. I hope you have better luck than I do when you open up to others! From my perspective, I typically regret it.  

     Rebuilding will come with changes and positive things, but I forgot to grieve. I forgot what solitude feels like when you don't want it. None of the holiday traditions are happening this year. Who will I go with? I will be sitting in the darkness, as I am now, wondering how I ended up here. But that feeling won't last forever. I feel fortunate that I know I can get out of this because I know so many who could not escape that darkness. Take a moment to think of those people and if it's not too late, offer them comfort and love this holiday season.

 

Trust

 

     Trust is a dirty five-letter word. When you give the gift of trust, it is a gamble. I am writing this because I recently realized that my carefully constructed lines of trust are all somewhat meaningless. Hemingway is absolutely right, the only way we can know if we can trust someone is to actually do so. It's so damn difficult, well at least for me it is.

     This does not mean that trust isn't important. It means that trust is a multi-layered experience. In some ways, you can never really trust someone. I was married for 18 years before I was betrayed. If you can't trust someone after 18 years of building trust, when can you trust? Is trust complete? Is trust temporary? Can you love without trust?

     There is the level of trust that we give when we do business For example, we may trust our mechanic or prefer to shop at a particular store. We may not want to take our car elsewhere or buy from a retailer that is unknown. That is what I would consider a level one trust. Businesses that you have had great experiences with that make you loyal. I am fine with level one. The risk level is fairly low with this type of trust. You may lose money, but you won't lose a piece of your soul.    

     The next level of trust would be for colleagues, mentors, and friends. There are usually expectations that when they ask things of you or you ask things of them that you can count on each other to do what you say you are going to do. This one is more difficult. Did you open up to a new friend and have them say something cruel to you using some piece of information that you shared? Yeah, that sucks. Did you have someone not deliver a critical piece of a project? Yes, also not fun. Appreciate those level two people who always follow through and don't abuse your confidence. Give them your trust. Know that even those you trust are not perfect, and may let you down.

     You may have some trust but not complete trust. That is ok. Maybe someone is great with keeping your secrets, but that same person will definitely forget to water your plants. You can partially trust a level two person and still have a great friendship.

     Trust may not be permanent. That is also ok for level one and two people and/or businesses that come in and out of your life. Relationships like this are dynamic.

     In love the ONLY thing that matters is trust. If you love without trust, I say you really don't love. Jealousy is pointless because the person you trust will either honor that trust or betray you. It is the most difficult kind of trust to give because you are fully invested and fully exposed. You can really get hurt. You can also find depth and intimacy beyond your wildest imagination. When you achieve that level of trust with another human being be grateful and realize the gift that you have.

     I think of trust in some ways as a line that stands between you and others. When you have that line very close to you, it is possible that you are actually strangling yourself with that line. You have to let go and stop holding yourself back. Being distrustful will not protect you from pain. This is why I say my lines of trust are useless. It hasn't spared me pain. It hasn't made my life better. What would? Offering trust. It's one of those things in life where you just have to jump in knowing you might get hurt and you do it anyway.

Communication

 

     I think that the greatest human challenge is communication. This is true in personal and business relationships. Communication is nuanced and so critical. Lack of communication can destroy relationships. Poor communication can destroy the world that we live in.

     First, it's time for the old person to rant about texting. No, honestly, I text a lot. I love technology. I do not think that it's a substitute for in-person communication. Communication can be broken out by what is said, the tone of how it's said, and the non-verbal communication that accompanies the message. 93% of communication comes from tone and body language. This means that a text is missing both tone and body language and you are only getting 7% of the communication. 

     I do think this is why emojis are popular; they fill in some of those body language gaps. My experience has been that I have on numerous occasions misinterpreted a text or had a text misinterpreted. This is probably why texting is limited in business communication  "Sorry that report isn't done Bob 😜  or for government negotiations "No, we will not withdraw troops 😩". 

  

     In the workplace, the lack of communication among teams is astounding. This is true, even though the average office worker spends many hours in meetings! Discussion is happening, but it isn't always the needed discussion. How to fix this? When you have team critical information, share it. In person is best, but at least on a shared site or through an email. Too much communication is always better than not enough.

     Communication between men and women is as bad or worse than business communication. Men and women may have different things on their minds. Often the actual discussion breaks into petty topics, while leaving really meaningful discussion by the wayside. Why? It's easier not to bring things up. Sadly, taking the more difficult path is so much more rewarding. "Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk about the government?" We should talk about what will build connection and intimacy between us.

      It doesn't matter if it's a new relationship or an established one. In new relationships, the conversation steers toward things like "what sports do you like?" In established relationships, it may be "what are we doing this weekend?" Those are fine topics, but sometimes try to communicate on a deeper level. It will bring you closer.

     No matter who you communicate with, work hard to make it count. Actively listen. Do not multitask. Watch for tone and body language when you can. If you are texting, try to add context to avoid misunderstandings. Be courageous and bring up challenging topics. Be inclusive with your work or organizational teams. Every time you communicate effectively, you add power to your relationships and you make the world a slightly better place. 

Grey Matter

 

     I attended the Danny Elfman violin concerto performed by Sandy Cameron on May 19, 2019.

This post is partially a brief shout out to the genius of Danny Elfman and a reminder to not allow intellectual laziness to diminish your potential.

     I first encountered Danny Elfman back in the 80s when he headlined the band Oingo Boingo. Weird Science, I know, but......forget Weird Science for a moment, please. The bulk of their songs consisted of thoughtful and often controversial lyrics. I have selected Grey Matter, but I highly recommend you check out their discography.

     Danny went on to create many songs and soundtracks for television and film. Among these are the soundtracks to the Fifty Shades movies, the Avengers, Men in Black, and almost every Tim Burton film. He is an excellent example of someone reaching full intellectual potential.

     On to Grey Matter. This song came out in 1982. Below is a sample of the lyrics:

They say you're stupid 

That you're too young to vote 

They say you'll swallow anything 

That they shove down your throat

They say you can't think 

That you haven't got a brain 

That you're just there to listen 

That you're just being trained

There's something inside your head 

They say you lost the ability to even think 

That your tiny little brain 

Slipped down the kitchen sink

They say that you'll buy anything 

That they turn your way 

That you'll listen to everything 

That they decide to play

Grey matter grey matter ooh . . . 

I think you like it--like it 

To be told what to do--isn't that true 

I think you're better--better--better off 

Stone cold dead--without your head

If they say lie down, you'll do it 

If they say--buy it now--you'll do it 

If they say--turn around--you'll do it 

If they say--hit the ground--you'll do it 

If they say--bite the big weenie--you'll do it 

If they say--wasn't that good--you'll do it 

If they say--bend over baby--you'll do it 

If they say--take it and like it--you'll do it

     If this is a statement of society at that time, it is so much more like that today. There are more channels trying to influence our minds. There is misinformation everywhere. If we choose to just shut off our minds, there are ways to zone out and not have to think at all.

     Be like Danny Elfman and use your mind. Do not allow intellectual laziness to allow others to control your choices. Do recognize when you are wasting your mind. How long have you been checking out Instagram or YouTube (or my blog)? Think of all the time we now can waste on these wonderful things. 

     What if all that time were spent exploring your area of passion? I recently saw the DaVinci exhibit and he accomplished a lot. He didn't have social media stealing away his time 😉 

     I have been so intellectually lazy that I forgot how to be curious and how to ask the follow-up questions to explore ideas more deeply. Bad use of my mind! My mind was great and I let it get sloppy. I am now aware of it and I'm back to using it regularly. I am challenging you to take a look at yours! If it's not fired up, light it.

     Then we can light the world.

Identity

 

     Do you know who you are? Most of us have a pretty clear idea about our identity. The interesting thing is that identity is varied and dynamic.

     As children, we may identify as the smart kid, the creative kid, the sweet kid, or the athletic kid. We may be a sister or a brother. We start to know that we have a big nose or that we are skinny or fat. Our physical traits become part of our identity.

     You grow up and become a scholar, a professional, or a tradesperson. You identify yourself by your talents and interests. They become part of how you introduce yourself. My name is blank and I'm a (insert profession or education here). It becomes part of your tag line. We become what we do. 

     You may have a love in your life and you will spend part of your life saying I'm with him/her. Your connection to that person becomes part of how you identify yourself. When you have children your identity becomes Mommy or Daddy. 

     All of these ways to identify yourself are wonderful and valid, but some of them might change. Careers may come and go. Love may come and go. Your family will be consistent, but again, your identity is more than what you do or who you associate with. It is so difficult for people after a job loss or a divorce or a death because suddenly people are faced with the question of identity.  

     Your identity is your core self. Try not to forget that. I have at times in my life forgotten that and tied too much of who I was with my job or with my partner. Imagine waking up in a dark room alone, your partner is gone. You are unemployed. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Who are you supposed to be? I do think that we are here for a purpose and while your relationships and work are part of that, your inner guidance is what you should tune into. What kind of person do you want to see in the mirror and are your daily activities getting you closer to that image?   

     How do you know? Ideally, I like to meditate outside, preferably by water, to hear that inner voice of guidance. I think it is different for everyone. We get so busy that we can tune out that voice out because we don't have time for "that guy". That voice may not scream as loud as your job or your partner demanding things of you. That voice can be drowned out by music, phones, media, entertainment. There is so much to compete with. Those quiet moments are so critical.

     I write this because I have had to tune in more than I had to before I split from my partner. I am no longer a wife. I have had to deal with my identity in a different way. There was respectability with the title of "wife". It meant that someone found me worthy of love for a lifetime. I was not a hookup, I was not a friend, I was truly loved, well at least at some point. The problem is that I was also obscuring much of my true identity because my partner didn't like who I was becoming. That's okay, I didn't like who he was becoming either. 😉 I can let go of that title in order to be happier and fulfill my life purpose again. What am I now? Single? Beautiful? Curvy? A cougar? Who knows? It's okay, whatever I end up being. 

     My profession is much the same. I like my job, but I also like writing. If I write more does that mean I am not as intelligent because I am not working as a Programmer? No, but the title of Programmer implies more credibility, especially until I am a published author. I have to let go of those identities in order to fulfill what truly makes me happy.

     Let go and make room in your life to listen to your inner voice. There is so much to say and you don't want to miss it. You don't want to get caught up in labels or misconceptions.     

Colorful

 

"Peace begins with a smile" - Mother Teresa

     Not every day is going to be the best day. You may be dealing with unpleasant things that get you down. I discovered that I did not win a flash fiction contest. It was an international contest with many entries, so winning was unlikely, but I still had hope. Today, I had to let that hope go. This is the life of an author. There will be frequent rejection. That's okay, I am very resilient. That doesn't mean that I wasn't disappointed.

     It was Halloween and our team decided to dress as crayons. I decided to be pink after being hassled for selecting black. I don't blame the teammate for hassling me. People see my light, while I feel my darkness. If I am going to shine, then I am going to shine in the brightest way that I can. I decided to wear a pink wig. I decided to bring color to the world in an unexpected way.

     The results were more significant than I anticipated. You see, I was very caught up in thinking about things that I have been unable to solve at work or the contest that I failed to win. There is something else that I totally lost sight of. Two of my favorite movies explore this theme.

     The first is Amelie. If I were any fictional character, I would be Amelie. Her purpose in life is to bring color to the lives of others in small ways. In the scene below she sees a blind man and offers him a glimpse of sight through her compassion. Like Amelie, I really like to bring joy to others. There is nothing better than seeing someone smile because of something that I was able to do.

     The second movie is the Joy Luck Club. June feels inferior because her cousin Waverly is so accomplished compared with her. She feels like she is a disappointment. Spoiler ahead, after dinner her mother reminds her of her value. "I SEE you."

     I don't think we value the heart in our society as much as we value the mind, but believe me, it is important. When we bring our heart and mind together the most amazing things can be accomplished. Working in healthcare, I think of this every day. I don't work with patients, that is not my calling. Yet, I often think of them and if what I am doing will help them even in a small way.     

     What does all of this have to do with today? My wig made so many people smile, both my teammates and strangers. Maybe someone was having a bad day and that few seconds of smile took them out of that mindset. My simple act of wearing the pink wig lets people know that it is okay to have fun at any age and at any size. 

     I spent a large part of my life hiding. It was liberating to step out and be noticed. I don't have to hide anymore. Maybe someone else had that thought today, and that would be wonderful. I didn't wear a pink wig, I spread joy. I would have loved to have won the contest or solved my work challenges, but I am going to take the win on sharing my color with others.   

Effort

 

     They say it is the first step that costs the effort. I do not find it so. I am sure I could write unlimited 'first chapters'. I have indeed written many. J. R. R. Tolkien

     Without effort, there can never be amazing results. Oh, you may get results, but it's doubtful that they will be what you really want. You must give it everything you have to build the life that you desire. See the world for all that it has to offer in vivid splendor. Embrace life rather than moving through it on autopilot. Sometimes we lose our way, sometimes we forget how spectacular this world is, and sometimes we go on autopilot to deal with trauma.

     We so often become complacent and stop making a serious effort. This can happen with work and with our personal relationships. We do what is good enough. We could do so much more. Life can yield so much joy, but not if we don't give it all that we have. We can lose the things that mean the most to us. I encourage you to give the things that mean the most to you a "saffron" effort. What is that?

     Saffron runs around $500 per ounce. It is the most precious spice. It takes around 150,000 Crocus flowers to make 2 pounds of saffron. It takes 40 hours to pick the flowers and it must be done by hand. People are bent over in fields reaching for each flower. It must require tremendous patience as well as a great effort. In our world of instant gratification and optimization, this almost seems ridiculous. The thing is, it's worth it. The return on the effort is great. Sometimes you should treat the things that mean the most to you in your life as if you were harvesting saffron.    

Save You

 

First published July 21, 2018

     This week we received devastating news at work that our co-worker Joe took his life. This is not the first time that I have lost a co-worker that way. This is not the first time that I have lost other people around me to suicide. While I am equipped the deal with the emotions that accompany that, it never makes it easier to face this kind of news. Joe, and before him, Bob,were both vibrant and brilliant men. I enjoyed working with them and they were both really sweet to me, even though they both had a reputation for being grumpy. They both had that sarcastic wit that I appreciate. I wasn't close enough to either of them to help, but dammit I wish I had been.

     I always wish that I could have somehow said the right thing to save that person for that moment. I want to be a candle in the darkness that can show their soul light until the candle eventually goes out. Unfortunately, if that person has depression or bipolar disorder that person will be at the edge many times during his/her life. My goal is to just impact one moment. I have helped talk many of my friends off the ledge over the years through these small moments.

     I'll never forget my friend David who I knew in high school. I helped him through some dark days. We had many late night walks where I was worried he would not make it through the night. We had many phone calls where I should have been doing homework, but I was saving my friend (no texting back then). A few years later I received a wedding invitation from him in which he said "I would never have met Tammy if you hadn't been there for me all of those years. You saved my life and I will always be thankful for you. I feel like I can truly be happy now."

     People who are carrying the darkness of depression and/or bipolar disorder are typically drawn to me. I think they can sense my compassion for those who are in pain. It is a blessing and a curse. It can be so special and rewarding to lift those up around me and continue to enjoy those relationships. It can also be difficult to deal with the drastic mood swings and suicide threats/attempts. The shadow side of these disorders is emotional blackmail and violence that drains me to the point where I have no light left to give.

     Why are people who are hurting drawn to me? This is my story. When I was young, the guy down the street and I would chat as I walked past his house. He was enough of a gentleman to go to my parents and ask if he could take me out. My parents, thinking the relationship was totally innocent, said yes. I lied to Troy and told him that I was older than I was. By today's standards he would be in jail and on predator lists etc. I was a very mature for my age. If you look at the photo below, you can see that I did not look that young and I did not act like that young. I knew exactly what I was doing. As my Mom puts it "you were an adult when you were 5".

     We dated for a year. The age difference was awkward, yet we really enjoyed spending time together. I think the one lesson from this is that age doesn't matter as much as society thinks it does. Even so, children should not be dating adults! I should have at least been 18. I should not have been allowed to be in a relationship that serious at that age. It started out with fun outings. He would take me out to play racquetball, go horseback riding, and ride dirt bikes.  It became more serious as time went on. I didn't see the problems that this could lead to. This would have never worked as I grew older. We were too different.

     Eventually, he found out how old I really was. I found out that he lost his father to a gunshot due to bipolar disorder. We agreed to break up because of the age difference. He bought a new truck, graduated from college, and things seemed to be going great despite the breakup. I was at school in April and I was called to the Principal's office. My mom and dad were waiting for me in the office. They took me home and told me that Troy had shot himself and he was gone. He was 22 years old.

     I don't know how I got through that. I did not have a counselor. I couldn't really talk to my friends who were normal teens, thinking about kissing boys and listening to music. My dad had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My parents were dealing with that and just didn't have the bandwidth to help me. Dad was gone by the end of October that same year. This experience made me strong and independent, but it also made me think that I can't go to other people for support.

     Troy's mother blamed me for his death. Over the years I have accepted that it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think that instead of helping him I created a trigger that tipped him over the edge. That's where the lack of maturity really created an issue. When you are young you don't understand that just because you want something doesn't mean you should act on it. I put him in a really bad, even criminal position and I set myself up for more pain than a young woman should have to deal with. He also should have exercised better judgment, but the price he paid was so high that I just can't blame him. 

     When I was 22 I grieved again thinking of all he missed out on and how I didn't deserve to be the survivor, but I did survive. One blessing from this is my deep empathy for people who are suffering as he did. I truly think this is why these people come into my life. 

     When I hear about someone committing suicide I am always transformed back into that girl who had to grow up so much faster than she already had. I feel the loss of a life not lived and the sadness of those that I could not help.           

Dances with Wheelchairs

 

I forgot how much I love to dance! This will definitely be a more regular thing in my life. Over the weekend I went to see the Crystal Method. It was hours of dancing and it was invigorating! I brought a friend with me who is now in a wheelchair.

     It has been educational to see how the venues in town handle accessibility. I am proud to say that the Bluebird and Cervantes had it covered! I want my friend to be able to live life as much as she would like to. I don't want to see her imprisoned in her place. I don't think that's good for her. Sometimes she does not feel well enough to go out, but when she does, I will rise to the challenge and give her that experience. 

    She had very little experience with EDM or the EDM culture. The concert had an audience of older people who remember the Crystal Method, but then it was flooded with Millennials because the Bassnectar concert had to be canceled. I love it! They bring love and energy.

    One of those guys gave my friend a pair of prism glasses to try out. I don't think she liked them, but I loved that he SAW her and wanted to do something to make her night more fun. He also let me try them out. Kind of amazing! I'm sure with chemical enhancement they are even more fun, but that's not my style. I think my friend wants something that lights up or glows, so next EDM concert I will help her out with that. 😃   

    As I was dancing, I would turn to check on her to make sure she was having fun. Most of the time she would be dancing in her chair. That brings me joy! 

    One time I turned to check on her and an adorable, gay Millennial guy was straddled over her chair dancing on her lap. Now, the look on my friend's face made that MUCH more fun for me than for her. Again, he SAW her and thought of what he could do to make her feel included. I can say that she definitely felt noticed. The club lighting was dark, but it was no match for the blush on her face. I also wondered where the line was to receive sexy lap dances..... 

     My friend continued to be showered with love. Several women wanted to take her home. A guy came up to her and wanted to buy her a drink because she looked like she was having fun. She was not getting ignored, she was being treated like the special person that she is.       

     *I* did not get any romantic offers. Hmmm....maybe it was my special moves.....  

     Well, I DID have one guy come up to me smiling and thanking me for being a woman in that area of the floor dancing. I don't know why, but yeah, lots of guys. He was so wrecked that I was impressed that he could discern that I was a woman. That's all he wanted, just high five me and thank me for being female. That was a challenging high five. I think he saw me with ten hands. At least he didn't go in for the hug. "Um thanks, I like my vagina too?" 

     You know you didn't let your disability get you down when you leave with your wheelchair covered in beer.

     We danced until 2 am and it was glorious. I need to move like that a lot more. I love to feel free and let my body respond to the music pulsing through me. They say to dance like nobody is watching, okay, as long as you promise not to look!  

Aw C'mon Push Yourself a Little!

 

     I was on a company retreat this week. Part of that retreat turned out to be a hike that I was not ready for. I watched my peers easily handle the hike while I fell further and further behind. My expectation after losing so much weight was that I could do what everyone else can do. Lately, I have been feeling pretty confident. 

     That confidence quickly took a nosedive. I was really disappointed to realize that no matter how far I have come, I am not where I want to be. I got mad, then I cried, then I almost collapsed. My whole team was waiting as I dragged my butt up the hills to the end of the trail. I have been going to the gym consistently. I have been getting a lot of daily activities. It should have been fine.

     Then I realized that I do not PUSH myself enough. Let's face it there is jumping on a treadmill and doing a nice walk while listening to music and then there is the feeling of your heart pumping as you drip with sweat and feel like you are going to collapse. There is casually looking at websites to learn new skills and then there is trying to learn it by trying to do it over and over again until it finally works. 

     My book pace is a page a day. At that rate, it will take at least a year to complete a book. If I stepped it up, it could be published sooner. I can ignore things, or I can push through the pain in order to come out on the other side healthier and happier. Pushing is tough. Without it, you cannot test your limits. You have to know how hard you can push to know how much you can succeed.

     I am reminded of the most important aspect of this hike.........I did it!