Save You

 

First published July 21, 2018

     This week we received devastating news at work that our co-worker Joe took his life. This is not the first time that I have lost a co-worker that way. This is not the first time that I have lost other people around me to suicide. While I am equipped the deal with the emotions that accompany that, it never makes it easier to face this kind of news. Joe, and before him, Bob,were both vibrant and brilliant men. I enjoyed working with them and they were both really sweet to me, even though they both had a reputation for being grumpy. They both had that sarcastic wit that I appreciate. I wasn't close enough to either of them to help, but dammit I wish I had been.

     I always wish that I could have somehow said the right thing to save that person for that moment. I want to be a candle in the darkness that can show their soul light until the candle eventually goes out. Unfortunately, if that person has depression or bipolar disorder that person will be at the edge many times during his/her life. My goal is to just impact one moment. I have helped talk many of my friends off the ledge over the years through these small moments.

     I'll never forget my friend David who I knew in high school. I helped him through some dark days. We had many late night walks where I was worried he would not make it through the night. We had many phone calls where I should have been doing homework, but I was saving my friend (no texting back then). A few years later I received a wedding invitation from him in which he said "I would never have met Tammy if you hadn't been there for me all of those years. You saved my life and I will always be thankful for you. I feel like I can truly be happy now."

     People who are carrying the darkness of depression and/or bipolar disorder are typically drawn to me. I think they can sense my compassion for those who are in pain. It is a blessing and a curse. It can be so special and rewarding to lift those up around me and continue to enjoy those relationships. It can also be difficult to deal with the drastic mood swings and suicide threats/attempts. The shadow side of these disorders is emotional blackmail and violence that drains me to the point where I have no light left to give.

     Why are people who are hurting drawn to me? This is my story. When I was young, the guy down the street and I would chat as I walked past his house. He was enough of a gentleman to go to my parents and ask if he could take me out. My parents, thinking the relationship was totally innocent, said yes. I lied to Troy and told him that I was older than I was. By today's standards he would be in jail and on predator lists etc. I was a very mature for my age. If you look at the photo below, you can see that I did not look that young and I did not act like that young. I knew exactly what I was doing. As my Mom puts it "you were an adult when you were 5".

     We dated for a year. The age difference was awkward, yet we really enjoyed spending time together. I think the one lesson from this is that age doesn't matter as much as society thinks it does. Even so, children should not be dating adults! I should have at least been 18. I should not have been allowed to be in a relationship that serious at that age. It started out with fun outings. He would take me out to play racquetball, go horseback riding, and ride dirt bikes.  It became more serious as time went on. I didn't see the problems that this could lead to. This would have never worked as I grew older. We were too different.

     Eventually, he found out how old I really was. I found out that he lost his father to a gunshot due to bipolar disorder. We agreed to break up because of the age difference. He bought a new truck, graduated from college, and things seemed to be going great despite the breakup. I was at school in April and I was called to the Principal's office. My mom and dad were waiting for me in the office. They took me home and told me that Troy had shot himself and he was gone. He was 22 years old.

     I don't know how I got through that. I did not have a counselor. I couldn't really talk to my friends who were normal teens, thinking about kissing boys and listening to music. My dad had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My parents were dealing with that and just didn't have the bandwidth to help me. Dad was gone by the end of October that same year. This experience made me strong and independent, but it also made me think that I can't go to other people for support.

     Troy's mother blamed me for his death. Over the years I have accepted that it wasn't my fault. I can't help but think that instead of helping him I created a trigger that tipped him over the edge. That's where the lack of maturity really created an issue. When you are young you don't understand that just because you want something doesn't mean you should act on it. I put him in a really bad, even criminal position and I set myself up for more pain than a young woman should have to deal with. He also should have exercised better judgment, but the price he paid was so high that I just can't blame him. 

     When I was 22 I grieved again thinking of all he missed out on and how I didn't deserve to be the survivor, but I did survive. One blessing from this is my deep empathy for people who are suffering as he did. I truly think this is why these people come into my life. 

     When I hear about someone committing suicide I am always transformed back into that girl who had to grow up so much faster than she already had. I feel the loss of a life not lived and the sadness of those that I could not help.